Thursday, July 15, 2010

Turf Log - "Stan Lee was Wrong!"

A few years ago, I was directed by my doctor to undergo a full body CT scan. An evaluation of my innards, which 40 years earlier would have meant slicing me down the middle and the doctor taking a physical inventory...

...100 years earlier, would have meant the "doctor" anointing my body with poultices to drive out "the bad humours"...

...CT scan sounds like a big deal until you put it into perspective.

Over the course of 12 hours before the test, I was instructed to drink about a quart of barium, but otherwise fast (why do they call it a "fast" when it seems to go so slow?).

I arrived at the cardiology lab, sure to wear my lucky "Cat in the Hat" PJ bottoms (no metal snaps allowed in the CT)...

...and the tech placed an IV in my arm containing a radioactive isotope, that would react with the barium and make my innards glow all different colors for the scanner to see!

After taking a reported 386 pictures of all the dark things in my soul, which when processed in sequence on the lab's computer looked like an animation flip-book of a "Fantastic Voyage" through Jeffy-Land...

...the tech's assured me that my lungs, heart, stomach, liver, kidneys, thyroid, et al, were all problem free and I had nothing to worry about.

I added up my years of smoking and drinking and eating deep-fat-fried-cheese-covered-fat with gravy on top, and knew they had obviously mixed up the scan with some other patient's, but figured "The joke's on you, suckas!" and ran...not walked...home...I had my own tests to run.

When I got home I tried it all. Tried to fly, tried to run super-fast, tried to walk through walls, tried to turn invisible, tried to stretch, tried to stick to walls...nothing!

I couldn't even shrink or shoot power beams out of my eyes!

The potent cocktail of barium and radioactive IV had not cause so much as ONE genetic or otherwise molecular mutation!

I had gained NO super powers!!

Stan Lee was WRONG!!

Sigh...oh, well. At least Guy Clark didn't lie to me. Here's a song.

Talk to you soon.


Akshunt "Action" Frank Franklyn said...

so is that a picture from your days in the Jai Alai... Although you look pretty "snazzy" in your unitard and cape, I still think your cream colored "Space Jeffy" outfit with matching purple gloves n' booties is much more fetching on you.

Lysdexicuss said...

Doctor: 'Jeff, we found the problem...'

Jeff Turf gives his best Buckwheat look.

Doctor: 'It's your Cat-In-The-Hat pajamas... They haven't been washed since the 5th grade and all the bacteria and crusty skid-tracks are wreaking havoc with our testing equipment !'

JEFF BEAMS PROUDLY, case closed !

Jeff Overturf said...

Frank: YOU'RE a unitard!!

Lys: You're not far off.

Mykal Banta said...

Lee, that lying bastard. You would have figured at the very least you would have gotten super sensitive hearing and half-assed radar like Daredevil. You got the shaft, man.

Jeff Overturf said...

You said it Mykal!

Even poor old Rick Jones...put in all his time with The Hulk, Captain America and The Avengers...he eventually at least got to be Captain Mar-Vell's surrogate Billy Batson!

Stan Lee owes me money!!!

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